Slaves to Christ and Compassion Unite: Free Markets Must Prevail By Jason Miller (satire)

Dandelion Salad

By Jason Miller


[Warning: Satire Ahead]

“Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.”

–John Maynard Keynes

If you’re nodding your head in agreement with Keynes and expecting validation of your opinion as you read this piece, you’re in for a rude awakening.Forget the humanitarian, bleeding heart nonsense. Let’s reflect on the words of Thomas Sowell instead:

“Despite a voluminous and often fervent literature on ‘income distribution,’ the cold fact is that most income is not distributed: It is earned.”

We live in reality ladies and gentlemen. Not some utopian fantasy dreamt up by the likes of idealistic dreamers like Marx and Engels.

Ours is indeed a cold, cruel world. The sooner each of us accepts our lot, makes the most of it, and moves on, the better off we will all be. The ingenious and industrious Bill Gates deserves every penny he has. By the same token, the dregs of society inhabiting places like Skid Row and eating from dumpsters are reaping their just rewards for their depraved, lazy, and ignorant ways.

In fact, the brilliant thinkers broadly classified as Social Darwinists were “spot on,” as the Brits would say. “Survival of the fittest” is as applicable to humanity as it is to the rest of the animal kingdom. We are not immune to this inevitable aspect of life on Earth. It is time we accept the “law of the jungle” and terminate our puerile efforts to artificially mitigate natural human suffering.

By God, we live in America! We are the bastion of the free market! We’re the uber capitalists and it’s time we began to act accordingly. Reagan, Friedman, Rand, Bush, and a host of other highly lucid thinkers have shown us the way. It seems we are just too damned cowardly to traverse the trail they have blazed.

As Americans, we extol the virtues of freedom and rail against oppression. Yet we allow our hallowed free market to languish, severely crippling it with a host of asinine socialist elements that seriously compromise our opportunity to revel in the glorious splendor of true capitalism.

We have wasted years applying half-measures and giving lip service to free market capitalists, the potential saviors of humanity. Perpetual teases that we are, time and again we lure them into bed with the promise of sexual nirvana. Yet more often than not, we toy with them long enough to satiate our sadistic impulses and then leave them to masturbate their way to carnal bliss.

Sure, eliminating the Cadillac-driving welfare queens was an important step, but if we’re going to right this ship, we have to go all the way. All of us need to get up off our lazy asses, relinquish our infantile dependence on government programs, and slay the beast of socialism once and for all.

Here are the remedial steps that we must implement if we are to unleash the free market and reclaim capitalism’s former glory:

1. Eliminate the public education system. If you don’t have money, you remain ignorant.

2. Immediately cut public funding to maintain roads and highways. A toll booth at every other intersection would be a small price to pay for the reinvigoration of free markets.

3. Close all public libraries. If you want to read, buy your books.

4. Shut down all forms of public transit. Walking is good exercise.

5. Completely deregulate and privatize public utilities. If the market drives prices too high for you, you can buy candles, piss in buckets, sweat, shiver, and boil creek water.

6. Abolish police and fire departments. Settle your own disputes, protect yourselves, and keep your buckets and garden hoses handy.

7. Put the EPA out of our misery. It’s time to end the tyrannical reign of fear mongering environmentalists.

8. Labor laws, EEOC and OSHA? These anachronistic impediments to profit need to go. Let the market dictate wages, hours and working conditions. People need to be thankful to have a job, regardless of how miserable, discriminatory, or dangerous it might be.

9. Eradicate the FDA and USDA. If a food or drug starts killing large numbers of people, distributors and manufacturers will police themselves in order to sustain their profitability.

10. Dismantle the FAA. Plane crashes are simply a cost of doing business. Let’s put a sense of adventure back into flying.

11. Halt all Social Security and Medicare handouts. The programs are insolvent. Our elderly need to start fending for themselves. Wal-Mart needs greeters. And as for those who are too infirm or feeble to work, they’re fortunate to have lived as long as they have.

12. Kudos to Clinton for creating TANF, but he didn’t go far enough. Medicaid and TANF must go. It’s time we introduced our spoiled and lazy rabble to the concept of the workhouse. It worked for the Victorians; it can work for us.Enacting these twelve reforms would go a long way toward restoring the supremacy of free market capitalism. However, our task would not be complete.

Consider an even more critical challenge. To unfetter the free market, we must divorce ourselves from the idiocy of Christianity. Let’s face it. Christ was about compassion, love, generosity, and forgiveness. In the final analysis, Jesus was a loser who provided false hope for misfits, outcasts, incompetents, and weaklings. As free market capitalists driven by greed, selfishness, and hyper-competitiveness, we need to exorcise Christ’s moronic teachings from our society and culture.

Now let’s get busy.

Jason Miller is a wage slave of the American Empire who has freed himself intellectually and spiritually. He is Cyrano’s Journal Online’s associate editor ( and publishes Thomas Paine’s Corner within Cyrano’s at You can reach him at

FAIR USE NOTICE: This blog may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc. This constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law. This material is distributed without profit.


Socialism (myspace archive)

Socialism (newer posts)

7 thoughts on “Slaves to Christ and Compassion Unite: Free Markets Must Prevail By Jason Miller (satire)

  1. WWJD ? Jesus probably would take care of those people but I bet he would not force other people to contribute with the iron fist of the state. That takes the element of love and charity out of it so they have no reason to bring Jesus into it in the first place.

    The reason this article is ridiculous is it furnishes a cartoon version of private enterprise. So it really is a reductio, because nobody ever said it has to be either all privatized or all the other way.

  2. well, in most socialist countries, you *do* have to depend on the rich people (i.e. the bureaucrats), because you have been taxed out of most of your personal income.

    in a truly free market, you could start your own sustainable alternative-energy driven business and use the profits to invest in your local charity organizations…in other words, you wouldn’t *have* to depend on rich people to do the job.

    so, what will it be?


  3. ok. i will leave it at this: read “the naked capitalist.” it is a short review of professor carroll quigley’s work “tragedy and hope.” please google it.

    i know you are against the schemes of the international bankers, globalization and all that…but you need to understand why these so-called “capitalists” (who do everything they can to destroy the free market) funded some of the biggest left-wing/socialist/communist organizations and movements throughout history…it’s all about consolidation of wealth and putting all the resources in the hands of the few in the name of “central planning”…you need to understand why this ideology is so dangerous, and how it tends to set up monopolies (like the federal reserve) in the name of the greater social good.

    if you want to take care of the poor, the aged, and the disabled, start a charity in your community, or an old folks home, or a therapy clinic…of course, in our country today you would be regulated and taxed to death before you even got started (which is why only corporations survive in the long run)…but this is how the poor, the aged and the elderly were taken care of before the welfare state. and i would argue that they got *better* care from their communities than they did from the state, which tends to squander the money you are forced to “donate” on its own fascist/imperalist agenda.

    like i said before, in a libertarian administration with a truly free market socialism and capitalism could co-exist side by side and compete with each other, i.e. “public” organizations vs. private ones. why *wouldn’t* you want a system with the widest range of possibilities? i have never got a straight answer from anyone on this.

    in the end, it comes down to this: socialists believe that human beings are fundamentally evil, ignorant and selfish if left to their own devices…that is why they are always agitating for more state controls, more coercion, more taxation…that without the state, everyone would just walk all over the poor, the aged, the elderly, etc. etc. i would argue, however, that if we didn’t depend on the state to take care of these things *real* human engagement and empathy would be unleashed upon the world and we would *have* to take action and form our own organizations because we no longer consider civic life to be a mere tallying of votes, leaving it up to our representatives to take care of everything. civic life, in this case, would require real time and effort, real participation.

    just admit it. you guys like the state. you guys don’t trust us with our own money and our own conscience. the true fulfillment of the human being lies in the state. it’s ok to state your principles.

    just don’t complain when the state gets out of hand and starts sacrificing a few of us for the “greater good.”


  4. And how do we take care of the poor, and the aged, and the disabled?

    Socialism is the only way. You couldn’t convince me otherwise, Bon, try as you might.

  5. there is nothing about free market ideology that says we *must* privatize all these things…if you still want to have a public library in your community, in a truly free market (i.e. a libertarian administration) you could get together with other residents in your community and pay into a library pool. other people could open up their own private libraries, and the two would be allowed to compete.

    don’t you guys get it yet? in a truly free market, socialist organizations can exist alongside capitalist organizations. there is no contradiction here.

    the only difference is…there would be no federal mandate taxing you to death and forcing you to subsidize a system you don’t agree with.


Comments are closed.