David Edwards and Muriel Kane
Published: Thursday August 16, 2007
With Alberto Gonzalez under fire from all sides in Washington, Stephen Colbert said Wednesday that the beleaguered attorney general’s problem is a common one to bright-but-slacking underachievers everywhere: he’s just not being challenged.
“It isn’t that the attorney general isn’t up to the job. It’s that the job hasn’t been up to him,” Colbert said. “He hasn’t been asked to work at his potential. He’s like a kid in school who isn’t challenged by the curriculum.”
And how best to reclaim Gonzalez’s frittered-away potential? Colbert suggests the AG’s new authority over death penalty cases may be enough to keep him interested–at least temporarily.
” This new power to fast-track executions, a power that used to belong solely to judges, will be a great way to keep his attention — like a shiny object. Congress gave him a great toy to play with a couple of weeks ago when they approved his new warrantless wiretapping powers. Now he can conduct investigations and proceed to executions quickly.”
“But as long as we’re making Gonzales a judge, let’s go the whole nine yards and make him an executioner as well,” Colbert continued. “He can listen in on his warrantless wiretaps, and if he hears anyone say a suspicious phrase, he can then just flip a switch and send 10,000 volts right through the phone line and fry them like a bug.”
“Why not make him robo-cop, a one-man justice system?,” deadpanned Colbert, adding that Gonzalez’s recent penchant for memory lapses may actually be a useful crime-fighting mechanism.
“Even if he executes the wrong guy, he won’t be crippled by remorse, because to feel remorse about a mistake, you have to remember the mistakes you make.”