The Proper Questioning Of General Petreaus by Guadamour (humor)

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by Guadamour
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Guadamour’s blog post
Apr. 9, 2008

“The Chair yields to Senator Lotzballz from the Great State of Disbelief.”

“I thank the Chair, and I would also like to thank all my esteemed colleagues for this opportunity to question the General.”

“And General Petreaus I would like to personally thank you for the service that you have performed for this great country of ours, and for the service that you continue to provide.”

“I would also like to take time to thank all the brave men and women in uniform serving in the armed forces who continue to perform admirably in Iraq, Afghanistan and throughout the world.

“Recently Admiral Fallon retired as the chief of staff for the armed forces. Did you, General Petreaus, admire and respect Admiral Fallon?”

“I have a deep and abiding respect for Admiral Fallon. He has much more experience than myself. His experience goes all the way back to having served as an officer in Vietnam.”

“Thank you General. I also have a great respect for Admiral Fallon. He is a man not afraid to call the shots as he sees them.”

“That is correct Senator. He is very forthright in his opinions, and is generally correct. As a matter of fact, I have never known him to be incorrect.”

“That is very interesting General. Then you will probably understand and agree when he calls General David Petreaus, and I’m reading a direct quote here, “A kiss ass chicken shit.”

General Petreaus sits there stunned. Ambassador Crocker jumps up and shouts, “This is an outrage. I demand an apology.”

“Ambassador, I am not speaking to you. You don’t warrant speaking to. You are an administration lackey intellectually on par with the President, which is a polite way of saying you are a complete idiot. Sit down and shut up until I’m through.”

“This is highly disrespectful,” says the chair.

Senator Lotzballz smiles and says, “But it is totally accurate.”

“General Kiss Ass Chicken Shit, could it be that the highly distinguished, respected and extremely honest Admiral refers to you in these terms, because you are also a political lackey, willing to do anything to please his superiors, even if it involves lying to the American public, putting a positive spin on things that are not easily or rightly spun. We, Sir, have had recent testimony here in these chambers from members of the military who have spoken out against the war, both in military and political terms. These men, Sir, have much more accumulated experience than yourself. I grant you, they may not be as intellectually astute or adroit as yourself, and surely they don’t speak as well as you. You, who seem to be a master at only answering what you want to hear. Even after you have been prodded any number of times.”

“You, Sir, bring to mind something I heard that is attributed to Harry Truman. When asked how it felt to be a Senator, he is supposed to have said, ‘When I first arrived in the Senate, I wonder how I managed to get there. And after I was there a while, I wondered how the other Senators managed to get there.”

“I, Sir, wonder how you managed to get to be where you are. Since I’m not a military man, and have great respect for Admiral Fallon, as you yourself do, I will have to assume that you arrived at your current position because, in the Admiral’s words, “You are a Kiss Ass Chicken Shit.”

“I would like to thank the Chair, and my colleagues. I have no further questions.”


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