SAN DIEGO – In a desperate effort to rescue their loved ones from a dangerous cult led by George W Bush, a group of concerned relatives and friends have convinced retired cult de-programmer Ted Patrick to help them. Patrick is considered to be the father of cult deprogramming, earning the nickname “Black Lightning” for the daring methods he used to rescue children from cults, often leading to Patrick’s arrests and incarceration.
“It really wasn’t that hard to get him to leave retirement,” said Sally Schwinhouser, whose son Oscar voted for Bush twice. “Ted said that the Bush cult is the most dangerous he’s ever seen. Ted said he could help my Oscar,” Schwinhouser said through tears. Patrick confirmed his return by telling the Post Times Sun Dispatch that Bush followers are so dangerous that it makes Scientology and Jonestown seem like a junior high pep club. “I’ll get Bush’s followers to snap back to reality, if I have to kidnap the whole damn state of Kansas,” Patrick said.
“I don’t give Patrick much thought,” said Bush. “I don’t really care if some name-calling anti-American terrorist killers like Ted Patrick make me the person on their wanted most posters.”
“We expect to be able to snap thousands out of their mindless support of Bush,” said Wally Carmichael, whose brother Bill actually donated money to Bush’s campaign. “I am hopeful we can make Billy realize that Bush is not some kind of cowboy decider and that ‘yippie yi yo’ is not a viable foreign policy.”