Obama’s Crotch Itch Problem by Joel S. Hirschhorn

by Joel S. Hirschhorn
featured writer
Dandelion Salad

April 27, 2008

I finally figured out why Obama so often looks uncomfortable, impatient and annoyed. He never seems to be a regular guy. One who can enjoy his public opportunities at local eateries and indulge himself like a real American enthralled with delicious unhealthy foods. To joyously let loose and just be a happy black guy able to live in a millionaire’s McMansion and have a shot at being president after hardly learning how to be a senator. Why?

Deep down Obama wants to scream, because he is suffering from a severe case of crotch or jock itch or, more correctly in his case, bitch itch. As a presidential candidate in the public limelight 24/7 he restrains his natural desire to vigorously scratch his inflamed, drive-you-crazy itch, which is named Hillary. His wife understands that it has not resulted from any intimate physical contact with Hillary and surely feels his pain. Though Mrs. Obama must continually remind Barry that he cannot afford to let his incessant itch overcome his well-honed professional capability to hide the truth and keep smiling. Obama compulsively strives to be the super-successful black man he and his wife have been waiting for.

So Obama courageously keeps talking, selling change but unable to change his own misery. Silently and grinningly, he bears the pain and discomfort that is always wriggling in his consciousness like some alien indestructible life form. Often he must pause between words as he tells himself to resist the temptation to openly and brazenly acknowledge his pain – to just scream at the top of his lungs. And now you can better understand his various loony statements. He stays just one tempting moment away from dropping his messiah façade, falling off his pedestal and loudly screeching “Hillary is driving me freaken crazy and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

Now you know the rest of the story. Every time you see the big Obama grin remember what is driving him nuts – the Hillary itch that grows more irritating day by day, that just won’t go away and might eventually cause his mental heat to melt his politician cool. To throw away his self-righteous script and scream obscenities as he confronts his pain.

Just imagine how stressful it is for Obama to stay so supremely confident, defiantly resisting that most human urge to scratch his Hillary bitch itch. His obsessive ambition to be the first black American president seems strong enough to resist rational human response. But is that the kind of person we want as president? Someone with such yes-we-can self-control, unable to boldly fight his pain because doing so might jeopardize his ego-soaked quest for the ultimate power? I see a character defect.

Considering that Obama has made his candidacy more about himself than ideology or policy positions, it is fair to be concerned that he is too cerebral and aloof. I want a president that knows how to scratch his itch. If he cannot act on his pain, how can he act on my pain and the pain of many millions of working stiffs? Indeed, maybe if he related more to the pain felt by Clinton supporters he could be the uniter we’ve been waiting for. But if he cannot unite Clinton and Obama supporters, and whites and blacks, how could he possibly unite Republicans and Democrats in government to change the same old politics? If anything, he has demonstrated that he is just another polarizer.

[Contact Joel S. Hirschhorn through www.delusionaldemocracy.com; he is a co-founder of Friends of the Article V Convention at www.foavc.org.]

3 thoughts on “Obama’s Crotch Itch Problem by Joel S. Hirschhorn

  1. Yeah, funny. She’s his crotch itch. [edited] He already gave her the finger and the Jay-Z brush off, but with so called plausible deniablity. He’s pathetic.

  2. Pingback: Exclusive: Howard Dean, Shut up and pay attention! By J. Brett Whitesell « Dandelion Salad

  3. Is this satire?
    So he should start screaming obscenities at Hillary, so that the whole nation can destroy him about his lack of control, and inner anger, asking if that is the kind of man we want in the white house, who will shout at anyone who ticks him off, in the process losing the race, and finally, in the end, uniting everyone, in a different, twisted kind of way?
    Good article, I just fail to see the insight in the conclusion.

Comments are closed.