WASHINGTON – Karl Rove denied that today’s announcement of the trial schedule of five Guantanimo detainees accused of planning the 9/11 attacks has something to do with the upcoming Presidential election. “The fact that we arraigned the five terrorists right after Obama sewed up the Democrat nomination is purely a coincidence. And it will be a further coincidence when the guilty verdict will come down the day Obama is officially nominated by the Democrat party at their convention in August.”
“I am tired of all the false accusations by the Democrats saying we are using the tragedy of 9/11 for crass political purposes,” said Rudolf Giuliani, wearing a button saying, ‘don’t forget America’s mayor’ and talking into a bullhorn in downtown New York. “I’ve told those people many times we would never sink so low. I’ve told them at least 911 times.”
Detainee Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, who was apprehended in Pakistan in 2003, is scheduled to face a military tribunal along with four others accused of involvement in the planning of the 9/11 attacks. “Mohammad is the number three in command of al-Qaeda,” said Brigadier general Tom Hartmann, “As you know, we had to kill al-Qaeda’s number two man six times, but will only have to kill the number three four times.” Mohammad has been waterboarded so many times that he is expected to win the Waterboard Internationals to be held a week before his scheduled execution. He has confessed to not only helping to plan 9/11, but to 79 other terrorist plots, the death of Anna Nicole Smith and for giving TriStar Pictures the green light on the Gigli movie.
“There will be one other coincidence,” Rove concluded, “in the final weekend before the November election, we will discover a high-ranking al-Qaeda operative named Hussein Obama Barack who will look into our camera and say “God Damn America.” This guy will turn out to be a complete hoax of course, but that will not be discovered until the day after the election, but not before Fox News will blanket the airwaves with wall-to-wall coverage of this imposter for six days straight.