FLORENCE, Ala. – Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for President set forth his position on gay marriage today. “In order to keep the institution of marriage viable,” McCain told a rally at the Florence First Baptist Church of the Flaming Cross, “it should only be between a man and a rich woman.” He stated he would support a Constitutional Amendment that would ban same sex marriages.
“It works even better,” McCain said, “if the woman is a well stacked blonde who owns a liquor store or better yet, a beer distributorship.” McCain’s wife Cindy is a multimillionaire who owns Hensley & Co. which has made millions distributing beer. “I’m kinda startin’ to like that McCain fellah,” said Clemsy Winston, a 38-year old pipe fitter from Tuscumbia, Alabama, “I wonder if McCain could have that amendment say it’s alright if the blonde could bring her hot little sister along, too.”
McCain is currently campaigning in the south, trying to strengthen his support among the religious right. His campaign has hinted that he will be making a major speech tomorrow about his opposition to gay lobbyists, lobbyists who are gay and gay people in lobbies.