WASHINGTON – The Office of Homeland Security announced yesterday that they have officially removed former South African President Nelson Mandela from the national terrorist watchlist. “Mandela just turned 90 years-old, so we think he has mellowed out a tad,” said Jarvis Freidman of Homland Security. Friedman hinted that some other high profile persons such as Dr. Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ might be removed from the list of terrorists.
“Dr. King may be able to be removed,” Freidman said, “because no one takes his message of peace seriously anymore, and Jesus may not really be an anti-American terrorist after all, as our Christian friends tell us Jesus would have supported the surge in Iraq, thought poor people were poor because they wanted to be and hated homosexuals and hippies with beards and long hair who wore sandals. But don’t think we are going to remove Cat Stevens from our terror list,” Friedman said, “we can’t have Americans being terrified 33,000 feet above the earth due to the unauthorized singing of “Peace Train” breaking out on board.”