WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats today echoed the action of their party members in the House by voting passage of a controversial intelligence and surveillance bill that grants retroactive immunity to the telecom companies who illegally spied on the American people at the request of the Bush Administration. “We are happy with this compromise,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “the compromise being that we vote for the bill and the Bush Administration will not reveal our personal secrets to the press.”
The bill will essentially end dozens of active lawsuits brought by private citizens against the telecom companies claiming their Fourth Amendment rights have been violated. Critics have warned that this will effectively sweep under the rug any public airing of the nature of the illegal spying done by Bush on Americans.
“I are pleased the Democrats have come over to the dark side in our valiant fight in the war on terror,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “even if it means I have to forgo the pleasure of releasing to the press some smokin’ hot pictures of certain Senators.”
“I am happy to vote for this compromise bill,” said Senator Feinstein, “as it balances the need for national security surveillance with the need for privacy, my privacy to be exact.”
“As the candidate of hope and change,” Barack Obama told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “the only hope I have to be President is for me to change Bush’s mind not to release certain phone calls of mine that would become a 24/7 loop on Fox news. So I voted for the bill.”
I know we had to massage the bill a little to make it palatable for us,” said Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean, “as it is better to massage the legislation than disclose the names of a certain patrons of a massage parlor.”
“I voted for the bill because of the terror alert being raised to red,” said another Democratic Senator, “that is the terror of the disclosure of my dealings in the red light district getting into enemy hands.”
“Senators do the darndest things,” said Karl Rove.
“I sure liked hearing them phone calls and having phone records read to me,” said President Bush, “but the pictures were the best as you know what the Chinese say in Tokyo, a picture is worth a thousand votes.”