DAYTON, Ohio – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain will announce that he has chosen Dr. Jack Kevorkian as his running mate. He will make the announcement at an Ohio rally on Friday.
“The Conservative base of the party was very upset at the thought of John choosing former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge or Senator Joe Lieberman because they were too liberal and not tough enough for their taste,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “so we are excited about John’s choice and believe we have a winner in Dr. Kevorkian.”
“Other than wanting every stem cell to be born,” said Jerome Slydell of the Rand Research Institute, “today’s conservatives favor death. They overwhelmingly support the death penalty, either handed out by a court or by other means, such as death by war, death preferred to government provided health care, death to political enemies, preferring workers die on the job due to unsafe working conditions rather than have government safety regulations. The list goes on. Kevorkian is the natural choice.”
They wanted to continue the winning combination of the current administration,” said Carl Adamson of the Heritage Foundation. “McCain is a charming nitwit just like Bush and now Dr. Kevorkian, well, anything to do with death is just like Cheney.” Michael Peltis of the Washington Post agrees, “Cheney symbolizes a tough guy driving around in a humvee leaving dead bodies in his wake, while Dr. Kevorkian does the same thing with a van. The advantage here for McCain is that he can show he wants to conserve energy, as the van gets better gas mileage than the Hummer.” Political pundits also believe Kevorkian is a wise choice that will help move the doctor’s home state of Michigan into the McCain camp.
“Another reason John likes Dr. Kevorkian, who recently got out of jail for his part in an assisted suicide,” a McCain spokesperson said, “is that John can relate to anyone who was held as a prisoner. In any case, we now think this ticket is strong enough to scare the Democrats to death.”