ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Key leaders of the Republican Party are going on the offensive to head off criticism of their new Vice Presidential candidate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin due to the disclosure that her 17-year old unmarried daughter Bristol is pregnant. “If it wasn’t for Hillary’s long time support of loose morals and whipping up women to think they can make decisions about their own bodies, none of this would have happened,” said Grover Norquist, anti-tax activist and GOP leader. “Staying married to that cheating liar of a husband of hers, gave the message to our daughters that it is acceptable to lose all respect for themselves and to forget our all important teachings of abstinence only. Shame on the Clintons. They should be impeached all over again,” said senior McCain advisor Steve Schmidt.
“The focus of blame lies clearly with the Clinton’s and the rest of the Godless Democrats,” said Family Research president Tony Perkins, “and certainly not with the Palin’s. Fortunately, their daughter Bristol believes in pro-life and will keep the child and will marry the child’s father as soon as a suitable father can be located.” More importantly for Palin and the Republicans, the elder statesman of the evangelical movement, James Dobson of the powerful Focus on the Family organization said he backs Palin completely. “We all know that this teen pregnancy is the result of the Democrat Party’s unabashed support of the gay agenda.”
“This disclosure will not hurt the Republican ticket but actually help it,” said Annette Ratliff a Texas delegate to the GOP convention. “It shows that the Palin’s wrestle with the same problems as ordinary Americans and their handling of it shows strength, determination and that they are just like us. Now if it was Chelsea Clinton or one of the Obama girls who got pregnant when they are teens, it would be nothing less than a message to the American people of a shameful flaunting of immoral behavior encouraged by parents in league with the devil himself.”
Thanks To Palin Nomination, Teenage Pregnancy Is Now “In”
GRAYSON, New Mexico – There once was a time in America when a girl in the senior high school class would quietly leave school to help take care of her “aunt’s” newborn baby. There once was a time in America when a parent’s greatest nightmare was that their teen daughter would get pregnant. But now, thanks to the nomination of Governor Sarah Palin, all that has changed.
“The accolades of praised heaped upon Sarah Palin and her pregnant daughter Bristol regarding her unwed pregnancy have turned conventional wisdom on it’s head,” said Brandon Wilson of the Rand Institute. “Getting pregnant when she is a teenager gives a girl the chance to show the world just how pro-life she really is,” said Tony Perkins of the Family Research Counsel. “She can expect the child, expect the moral support of fellow Christians, but of course, not expect any financial support because she’ll be on her own.”
“This is good news for girls who make poor judgment about sex,” said James Dobson of Focus on the Family. “because she can get redemption by bringing Jesus and her new baby into her life. Of course if she even thinks about an abortion, she will immediately go to hell and have to spend eternity with all the gays and Democrats.”
Not everyone believes this is a good trend. “This new acceptance of teenage pregnancy sends the wrong message to teenage boys who already have enough trouble trying to control themselves. This new praise for teen pregnancy is a green light for teenage boys to feel they can be reckless with a girl and only have to fear good consequences,” said Helen Platt of the National Organization for Women. “This whole Palin nomination is ridiculous,” said one senior Obama staffer, “you know how when a Republican does something really bad and has to resign, he says he is leaving to spend more time with his family? Well this is a case where Governor Palin should resign because she should spend more time with her family.”
The wild support of Palin’s daughter’s pregnancy has had immediate effect on the entertainment industry. Expect Hollywood to release a bundle of new movies about teenage pregnant girls, starting with Juno II due out in about nine months.