Devil’s Master Plan Triumphant: Disorder, Delusion, Distrust and Paranoia Abound

Passed on by Robert S. Becker
Featured Writer
Dandelion Salad
May 3, 2010

Note: Who knew “d-mail” existed (“d” for demonic?), let alone actual demons wreaking havoc upon our species (like we need help).  Surfacing by chance in my e-mail, one Uncle Screwtape, with nothing less than gleeful abandon, discloses how Devilish chicanery favoring chaos and against authority is coming to fruition.  Apparently, there’s no point just blaming liberal elitists or Tea Party sputtering, not Goldman Sachs, manipulation by rightwing billionaires, not even residual Bush-Cheney machinations. There are foreigners among us without birth certificates.

My dear Wormwood (

No, no, nephew, do not berate yourself because Our Leader has come “to take back his former Garden of Eden.”  We in the Lowerarchy esteem your disruptions as inspired, stirring admirable dissension, despair and cynicism towards anyone in power, whether church or state, science or business.  That lurch naturally advances estrangement from that Grand Old Dictator above – what else did you think “GOD” stands for?

What you’ve managed with cronies Cheney, Rove, W., Limbaugh, Palin, and Beck is exemplary, using the sleaziest, decidedly inept political lying in decades to create mayhem.  Bad lying is critical, especially when denying overt reality, whether climate change or corporate hegemony, WMDs or 9/11 links with Saddam.  Don’t gullible earthlings realize the issue isn’t whether the global oven threatens a closed planetary system but when they pass the tipping point of utter disaster?  Of course, we dwellers in “darkness visible” know a bit about heat, but we inherited the place as if, didn’t transform it from something green to fiery black in 150 years.  Talk about ingratitude.

Our Satanic Master Plan (SMP) keys to God’s scruffy creatures abandoning all hope, not only in human governance, but law, justice, war, religion, science, and capitalism.  Thus, an array of simultaneous upheavals – shocking, church-shielded pedophilia, government assassination of its own citizens, faux death panels, unrestrained banking abuses, unmonitored oil spills – all capped off by the enduring Great Recession.  Oh, what a time for devils and doom.

As you say, Satan hasn’t directly hoodwinked earthlings since conning those five Supreme Court rubes to put the great Boob in the White House, amplifying his every misjudgment and misstatement.  Who but Satan could have imagined, then extended the great Florida election fiasco, compounded by letting a real loser, with one half million fewer votes, take over.  Frankly, we worried Our Leader was over-reaching but kudos went all around: W. ravaged everything he touched, roiling the planet like a deranged rooster on a drunken rampage.

Befuddle the GOP

How well you executed your mission: make Republicans stridently, belligerently wrong on everything: health insurance, casino capitalism, anti-terrorism, imperial, wrongheaded wars, taxation, V.P. picks, Obama’s legitimacy, natural disaster relief, offshore oil drilling, alternative energy, global warming, evolution, and now immigration.   Of course, getting that idiot governor to celebrate the Confederacy while dismissing secession, slavery and rebellion – that was a feather in any fiend’s cap.

Proximity must count because our staff analysts don’t quite get how congenital liars like Limbaugh and Beck haven’t been tarred and feathered, mortified beyond credibility.  True, we initially promoted obnoxious blowhards to dump absurd propaganda to mystify the suckers.  That novelty would wear off in a few months, we figured, but these loudmouths are more prominent than ever.  And who predicted millions of buffoons totally trust intellectual midgets over an articulate president?  Oh, how the mighty have fallen, displaced by pissants.   The “real America” makes it too easy for us.

But the payoff for denying reality is to put the Democrats in charge – and you know what that means. There’s no better way to destroy confidence in government than to follow eight years of authoritarian, anti-democratic extremism with indecisive Democrats, at times cowering weaklings unsure what they believe – or if they believe in anything but getting “something” passed.  That dizzying dynamic is guaranteed to alienate the populace: despotism by a reviled minority sandwiched between nebulous misdirection by a majority party.

Turning on Your Own

Why in six years, someone like Jeb Bush will take over a “government in disarray,” pledging “I’m a uniter, not a divider,” for we all know that line works.   Rove will return, talking up good old days.  Better the decisive Bush devil you know than the will-o’-the-wisp fumblers.  Has not this two-step worked – 80% of voters now distrust their own elected government, think the Congress THEY elect every two years is a corrupt disgrace, and routinely punish the president, whether he vacillates or moves ahead?  Ain’t democracy great?

So, like Wall Street traders cheering when mortgages went sour, we devils would be dancing in the streets if we had streets.  Imagine the joke on Bible-belters, waiting for the Rapture and instead getting Satan.  The best thing about being suckered is there’s no limit to your gullibility.  Right, a guy born in Kenya was smuggled in 45 years before becoming president?  Has there been another time when more paranoia against non-existent phantoms reigned, when conspiracy theories reproduced themselves like herring?  So many are beset by irrational scenarios you wonder who’s left to execute them.  So many paranoids abroad they are beginning to stare each other down.  What fun, what disaster, what joy.

And we’re churning out not just Tea Partiers or “C Street Family” Christian Crusaders or the Arizona power brokers turning on their own neighbors.  Up from the ooze are Christian militias, white supremacists, and “patriotic” secessionists – wearing “put the riot back in patriot” sweatshirts.  And that means violence in the streets, more secession talk, even regional conflicts.  Turmoil to warm the heart.

Palin, the Coup de Grace

Above all, the Lower Orders admire your brilliant orchestration of the rightwing Red Queen, yes, the unending Sarah Palin Sucker Pageant.  How better to make the jobless and dispossessed feel more miserable than riches and attention to a no-talent phony who bamboozles her own clique.  What a devilish creation: $12 million enriching an unelectable loudmouth who brags about not knowing anything but who ridicules those who do.  As long as knowledge and judgment are held in contempt, we prosper.

So, Wormwood, take heart: Our Leader is only adding the finishing touches, pulsing out more anger (as Obama succeeds), more despair (as Obama succeeds) and more hopelessness (is change possible?).  The right can’t stand a weak-willed, corporate liberal with dark skin, the left despairs every principle and campaign promise is negotiable, and the center, looking for a unified vision, throws up its arms in dismay.

Our only worry is whether humankind turn from devils and confront reality – climactic, military, economic, or cultural – but frankly, trends are with the dark side.  As the world gets more complex, the confused, illiterate masses of “real America” rush to more oversimplified soundbites that will bite them in the end.  For confusion and mayhem, paranoia and distrust, prompt a bonanza for silver-tongued devils who promise freedom but deliver shackles.

I’d be surprised if you didn’t earn a multi-million dollar bonus, a promotion, and a better post in a less obscure world.


Uncle Screwtape


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