So, Osama walks into this bar, see? And Bush says, “Whad’l’ya have, pardner?” and Osama says…
…But wait a minute. I’d better shut my mouth. The sign here in the airport says, “Security is no joking matter.” But if security’s no joking matter, why does this guy dressed in a high-school marching band outfit tell me to take off my shoes? All I can say is, Thank God the “shoe bomber” didn’t carry Semtex in his underpants.
Support our troops ‘cause they fight to keep us free!
They’re sent throughout the world, in air, on land, and sea,
To bomb and strafe and kill, restoring liberty!
So support our troops ‘cause they fight to keep us free!
Told to kill al-Qaeda, they bombed Afghani hills,
And leveled Afghan villages to kill the Taliban.
They followed orders to the hilt in Fallujah and Mosul,
And leveled buildings left and right to get Saddam.
The sting of satire can often underscore certain truths that straight prose rarely manages to touch.
(Roma) A cold wind was blowing down Mussolini’s showpiece avenue. The Via dei Fori Imperiali is the site of victory parades. The victory over the duplicitous Ethiopians. The victory over the ambitious Libyans of East and West. The victory over the ferocious Albanians. It was about 3 p.m. Rain was in the air. The Roman Forum alongside the great avenue was relatively empty this last day of March. As each time I pass I stopped to observe the tourists looking at the ancient Roman ruins of numerous basilicas and arches and statues extending from the Campidoglio to the Colosseum.
A Caucus to Combat Terrorism, Domestic Violence, Divorce & Job Dissatisfaction via ‘Happiness Pill’
According to our inside sources a new Bipartisan Congressional Caucus for Prozac will be launched before the end of the 112th Congress. The primary purpose of the Prozac Caucus will be to raise awareness and advocate for this ‘miracle drug’ aka ‘happiness pill,’ on the grounds of combating homegrown terrorism and domestic violence, lowering the national divorce rate, and increasing the level of general job satisfaction among the restless American workforce. “Increasing the level of general satisfaction and happiness, while decreasing the effects of violence and despair inducing factors such as anxiety and depression, are the major keys to achieving long term national security, family unity, and work force stability. With Prozac we believe we can achieve all that and more,” said a congressional aide who wished to remain anonymous. Continue reading →
Resilient Founding Fathers with Propensity for Resistance among One Million+ Terror Watch List Suspects!
In May 2009 the Inspector General of the Justice Department found that 35% of the nominations to the Department of Homeland Security’s Terror Watch Lists were outdated, many people were not removed in a timely manner, and tens of thousands of names were placed on the list without predicate. A September 2009 report by the Inspector General of the Department of Homeland Security found that the process for clearing innocent travelers from the list is a complete mess. Although significant, both reports failed to mention their findings on the number of names of already-dead US citizens who seem to be stuck there permanently. Even more significantly, it’s been reported that the TSA Terror Watch List includes the names of Long-Dead but well-known and well-respected US citizens, including several members of a group collectively known as the Founding Fathers of the United States. So far, based on our former and current TSA sources, we have been able to confirm the inclusion of two such long-dead persons on at least one DHS-TSA joint Terror Watch List: Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin.
After nearly two years out, I can imagine George W. Bush writing his successor the following letter:
Dear President Obama:
As you know I’ve been peddling my book Decision Points and while doing interviews, people ask me what I think of the job you’re doing. My answer is the same: He deserves to make decisions without criticism from me. It’s a tough enough job as it is.
But their inquiries did prompt me to write you to privately express my continual admiration for the job you are doing. Amazing! I say “privately” because making my sentiments public would not do either of us any good, if you know what I mean.
The Obama administration is getting ready to unveil a new innovative healthcare initiative geared to bridge TSA, the Department of Health and Human Services, and the Tourism Industry to provide airline travelers with several major physical examinations at No Cost. Based on the proposed plan US travelers will be offered thorough colon, prostate and breast exams, and will be given health certificates as part of their routine and mandatory TSA security checks at airports.
The White House has already begun its unofficial rounds to garner support from key congressional offices. According to several congressional sources the administration has coined the initiative ‘Triple Win’, a new policy based on the following premises:
The Obama Campaign team has finalized its core message and marketing platform for the 2012 presidential elections. After several months of intense debate and ‘market research,’ the Obama Presidency ‘marketing executives’ have put together yet another simple and short ‘market catch phrase’ which may be proved brilliant, depending upon the degree of IQ decline and level of backbone reduction among its Democratic Base. And, no; the catch phrase is not ‘change.’ The new marketing makeover will be centered on the ‘They made me do it!’ message.
Berkeley, CA: “Is this open season on leftists for having opinions, especially when correct?” fires off a new progressive group: “We’re this season’s real piñata, smeared by Tea Party red-baiting, ridiculed by the president for thinking world peace should start or the Pentagon end, and lately chided as Republican shills by fellow liberals online. That makes us the magnet this year for cheap shots, ‘When in doubt, concoct, then bash progressives.’”
Calling herself a “mama polar bear,” because “it’s bigger than a grizzly” Angelica Sharpee heads the newly-formed Progressive Alliance to Restore America By Holding Obama’s Feet to the Fire. Her press statement disputes the White House party line that progressives are somehow responsible for the enthusiasm gap, the presidential gap, the Democratic Party gap, and the mid-term election bloodbath gap that hasn’t even occurred.
(SOAPBOX #69) – Cindy sez: “Greetings! This Sunday, (August 22nd) at 2 pm PST, I hope you tune into Cindy Sheehan’s Soapbox to hear my fascinating and informative interview with legendary whistle blower and activist, Daniel Ellsberg. Daniel and I will be chatting about; the Wikileaks controversy, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan–an info packed show, for sure. With millions of bits of disinformation and propaganda flying around our airwaves this past week, Cindy Sheehan’s Soapbox continues to be a light shining through the lies. Please use the link above to listen to today’s discussions.
The BP oil corporation announced today that according to their scientists, engineers, and researchers — who apparently are smoking whatever their erstwhile “fearless” leader Hayward was imbibing — that fishies and birdies, and, indeed, all of God’s creepy, crawly sea creations can make do and subsist quite nicely soaking, bathing, and going about their daily, day-to-day routines and activities in water thoroughly contaminated with oil. Though oil has been known exclusively, before the present, to be at least as harmful to wildlife as the toxic dispersant Corexit, which BP sprayed willy-nilly all throughout the sensitive region of the Gulf; BP told the media at a press conference/media event that they held earlier this morning, that their research was showing them some rather altogether different results. They said they had come to this, previously never before considered, and extraordinarily nebulous conclusion, by observing sea creatures in a simulated oceanic environment at their research facilities in the U.K.
At long last, the mental health community has identified, analyzed, and classified the illness that twists and perverts the psyches of billions of people, resulting in intense suffering and death for over 70 billion nonhuman animals each year. Look for it in the DSM-V, which is expected to be released in 2013.
And thankfully, there is a cure. It’s called veganism.
Reports are cascading in today, via the newswires, that George W. Bush has reputedly continued unabated in his perpetual free fall upward. A multitude of news outlets have apparently reported that Bush’s wife Laura, told a local news publication, that he had now bankrupted their palatial estate. Fresh off bankrupting the most powerful nation on the planet, George W. Bush has plummeted and plundered the resources of his eminently cosy Northern Texas home. What can one say, except that the man is less than a virtuoso with general competency, and in particular budgetary acumen and sophistication!
Note: Who knew “d-mail” existed (“d” for demonic?), let alone actual demons wreaking havoc upon our species (like we need help). Surfacing by chance in my e-mail, one Uncle Screwtape, with nothing less than gleeful abandon, discloses how Devilish chicanery favoring chaos and against authority is coming to fruition. Apparently, there’s no point just blaming liberal elitists or Tea Party sputtering, not Goldman Sachs, manipulation by rightwing billionaires, not even residual Bush-Cheney machinations. There are foreigners among us without birth certificates.