ABC News’ Gibson Reveals Questions He Will Ask Palin In First Interview

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post
The Post Times Sun Dispatch
Sept 8, 2008

NEW YORK (PTSD News) – To calm fears that he will not ask softball questions of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her first interview since being selected to run with John McCain, ABC’s Charles Gibson has released the questions that he will ask the Alaska Governor. “There have been rumors on the internet,” Gibson told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “that in order to land this first interview with Sarah Palin, that I had to agree to ask softball questions. Nothing could be further from the truth. Miss Sarah will be asked the same tough, non-biased questions I would be asking any candidate regardless of whether or not they were the first woman to be nominated for Vice President by the Republican Party and regardless of whether or not I got a late night call from Dick Cheney.”

The following is a sample of the hard-hitting questions Gibson will ask Governor Palin:

1. What shade of lipstick is best for hockey moms?

2. When do you think the American people will realize you have more administrative experience than Obama and Biden combined?

3. How hard is it going to be to convince the American people that they don’t want a Muslim President like Barack Obama?

4. How dangerous would it be for America and especially little children if a former community organizer becomes President?

5. Just how long have you known that Michelle Obama hates America?

6. Do you think the terrorists will hit us again and hit hard if we elect a Democrat President?

7. Just how many of our children will be turned gay if Obama is elected?

8. Just how was it revealed to you by God that he chose you to be one tired old heartbeat away from being leader of the free world?

9. When Judgment day arrives, will I be left behind?

10. And finally, when you are in the White House, just what will you do to Maryline Blackburn who beat you to take the Miss Alaska crown in 1984?

Gibson will conduct the interview this week with Palin in Alaska. ABC News spokesman Jeffery Schneider said he did not believe Gibson’s announced questions were the key to securing the interview. “She is not scared to answer questions,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, “not even from a hard-line liberal reporter such as Charles Gibson.”

see

No Wolf Whistles for Sarah Palin’s Compassion by Walter Brasch

From “Dominion” to Domination: The Duplicity and Complicity of Matthew Scully

God Does Love the Republicans By Steven Jonas + Bible Thumper

The Daily Show: Sarah Palin Gender Card

Palin, a bold move or reckless choice? + Palin blackens Russia’s name

Sarah Palin’s Speech at the RNC

Text Of Original McCain Speech Revealed by R J Shulman

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post
The Post Times Sun Dispatch
Sept 5, 2008

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – (PTSD News) The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the original speech that John McCain was prepared to give at the Republican National Convention last night. However, a call from an unnamed Republican leader who telephoned from a bunker in Wyoming persuaded McCain to give the substitute speech that he ultimately gave to the partisan crowd.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch was able to retrieve the last known copy of McCain’s original speech from an unnamed reliable source. Here are some of the highlights:

My friends, my friends, my friends, my friends, my friends, my goddamned friends – there – I got that out of the way. I say “my friends” because if I didn’t, I would think you were all my frickin’ enemies and I would have to fight you, which is the theme of my speech. Fight, fight, fight. I want you to fight with me.

And I should know about fighting. There is a little known fact that I never like to talk about, but I was a prisoner of war in Viet Nam. So I won’t mention that I was a POW. And as a POW, which I won’t bring up, that gives me the experience and temperament to be a leader. And in order to give Americans the chance to grow up to be leaders, I will make all of you prisoners of war – prisoners of my wars. First we’ll fight in Iraq for a hundred years. Then we will go to war against Iran and Syria, and North Korea and North Dakota if they don’t vote for me.

Now some have criticized me for being too old. Hell, its not me that’s too old, it’s Cindy. So that is why I chose Sarah Palin. She is just the right partner to help lead the charge in this fight. Did I mention that I wasn’t going to say I was a POW?

We Republicans believe in family values like marriage before sex, unless it’s the Vice President’s family and we Republicans believe in judges who don’t legislate from the bench, unless its to put George W. Bush in office and we Republicans don’t believe in corrupt politicians getting away with it, unless it’s me and the other Keating five and we Republicans believe in… I forget, so I’ll just wave the flag and say fight, fight, fight.

Now about partisanship and change. I don’t believe in partisanship, but I believe in change. So if I am elected President I will outlaw the other party so there will be no party bickering. How is that for a change? Did I mention I was a POW?

You can get a copy of the whole text of this original speech by visiting http://www.cheneypleaseshootmeintheface.com.

see

GOP Announces Campaign Strategy: No Platform, Just Attack Obama

John McCain Speaking at the RNC

The Daily Show: Sarah Palin Gender Card

Palin, a bold move or reckless choice? + Palin blackens Russia’s name

RNC – St Paul-Minneapolis MN

GOP Announces Campaign Strategy: No Platform, Just Attack Obama

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post
The Post Times Sun Dispatch
Sept 4, 2008

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Adding to his reputation for being a maverick, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain announced that this year the Republicans will forego having a Party Platform. “Instead of coming up with a list of issues and what we stand for as a party,” said senior McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, “we will simply attack Obama.” Schmidt continued, “The Media and the American people are not really interested in real issues, so why bother with substance when we can hand them attack slogans.”

“When Sarah Palin attacked Obama in her speech, the crowd went wild,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign. “It was like feeding time at the zoo. It was especially delicious when she mocked his community service. Imagine thinking helping people like those losers on the South Side of Chicago makes you be qualified to be President.”

“Bashing Obama gives me such a rush,” Palin said. “It reminds me of how I feel when I shoot a caribou and watch it in its death throes. I have Obama in my sights and I will not spare his wife, his nasty girls, his America-hating preacher and his dog if he had one.” When asked if that might cause retaliation from the other side, Palin said, “How dare they or the press attack my family. They are off limits. So’s John McCain. He was a POW!”

“My friends,” John McCain told reporters, “I am going to track Obama down even if I have to follow him to the gates of Hell.”

“The Democrats and the liberal media have underestimated Sarah Palin,” said Karl Rove, “you don’t mess with a beauty pageant queen who got stuck being Miss Congeniality. Quite frankly, she scares the bejesus out of me.” “That is one woman,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “with whom I would never go on a hunting trip.”

see

Sarah Palin’s Speech at the RNC

Party whores: Sarah Palin’s Big, Sleazy Safari

GOP Claims Palin’s Teen Daughter’s Pregnancy Is All Hillary’s Fault + Teenage Pregnancy Is Now “In”

RNC – St Paul-Minneapolis MN

8 More Shocking Revelations About Sarah Palin h/t: Kevin

GOP Claims Palin’s Teen Daughter’s Pregnancy Is All Hillary’s Fault + Teenage Pregnancy Is Now “In”

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post
The Post Times Sun Dispatch
Sept 2, 2008

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Key leaders of the Republican Party are going on the offensive to head off criticism of their new Vice Presidential candidate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin due to the disclosure that her 17-year old unmarried daughter Bristol is pregnant. “If it wasn’t for Hillary’s long time support of loose morals and whipping up women to think they can make decisions about their own bodies, none of this would have happened,” said Grover Norquist, anti-tax activist and GOP leader. “Staying married to that cheating liar of a husband of hers, gave the message to our daughters that it is acceptable to lose all respect for themselves and to forget our all important teachings of abstinence only. Shame on the Clintons. They should be impeached all over again,” said senior McCain advisor Steve Schmidt.

“The focus of blame lies clearly with the Clinton’s and the rest of the Godless Democrats,” said Family Research president Tony Perkins, “and certainly not with the Palin’s. Fortunately, their daughter Bristol believes in pro-life and will keep the child and will marry the child’s father as soon as a suitable father can be located.” More importantly for Palin and the Republicans, the elder statesman of the evangelical movement, James Dobson of the powerful Focus on the Family organization said he backs Palin completely. “We all know that this teen pregnancy is the result of the Democrat Party’s unabashed support of the gay agenda.”

“This disclosure will not hurt the Republican ticket but actually help it,” said Annette Ratliff a Texas delegate to the GOP convention. “It shows that the Palin’s wrestle with the same problems as ordinary Americans and their handling of it shows strength, determination and that they are just like us. Now if it was Chelsea Clinton or one of the Obama girls who got pregnant when they are teens, it would be nothing less than a message to the American people of a shameful flaunting of immoral behavior encouraged by parents in league with the devil himself.”

***

Thanks To Palin Nomination, Teenage Pregnancy Is Now “In”

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post
The Post Times Sun Dispatch
Sept 3, 2008

GRAYSON, New Mexico – There once was a time in America when a girl in the senior high school class would quietly leave school to help take care of her “aunt’s” newborn baby. There once was a time in America when a parent’s greatest nightmare was that their teen daughter would get pregnant. But now, thanks to the nomination of Governor Sarah Palin, all that has changed.

“The accolades of praised heaped upon Sarah Palin and her pregnant daughter Bristol regarding her unwed pregnancy have turned conventional wisdom on it’s head,” said Brandon Wilson of the Rand Institute. “Getting pregnant when she is a teenager gives a girl the chance to show the world just how pro-life she really is,” said Tony Perkins of the Family Research Counsel. “She can expect the child, expect the moral support of fellow Christians, but of course, not expect any financial support because she’ll be on her own.”

“This is good news for girls who make poor judgment about sex,” said James Dobson of Focus on the Family. “because she can get redemption by bringing Jesus and her new baby into her life. Of course if she even thinks about an abortion, she will immediately go to hell and have to spend eternity with all the gays and Democrats.”

Not everyone believes this is a good trend. “This new acceptance of teenage pregnancy sends the wrong message to teenage boys who already have enough trouble trying to control themselves. This new praise for teen pregnancy is a green light for teenage boys to feel they can be reckless with a girl and only have to fear good consequences,” said Helen Platt of the National Organization for Women. “This whole Palin nomination is ridiculous,” said one senior Obama staffer, “you know how when a Republican does something really bad and has to resign, he says he is leaving to spend more time with his family? Well this is a case where Governor Palin should resign because she should spend more time with her family.”

The wild support of Palin’s daughter’s pregnancy has had immediate effect on the entertainment industry. Expect Hollywood to release a bundle of new movies about teenage pregnant girls, starting with Juno II due out in about nine months.

see

Party whores: Sarah Palin’s Big, Sleazy Safari

The Thrilla from Wasilla: An Alaskan recounts the reign of Gov. Sarah Palin

Jittery Republicans scrutinize Palin

New revelations on VP choice heighten crisis of McCain campaign

Fake photo of Palin in bikini with gun; it’s really Elizabeth

McCain to choose Dr. Kevorkian as VP

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post
The Post Times Sun Dispatch
Aug 29, 2008

DAYTON, Ohio – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain will announce that he has chosen Dr. Jack Kevorkian as his running mate. He will make the announcement at an Ohio rally on Friday.

“The Conservative base of the party was very upset at the thought of John choosing former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge or Senator Joe Lieberman because they were too liberal and not tough enough for their taste,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “so we are excited about John’s choice and believe we have a winner in Dr. Kevorkian.”

“Other than wanting every stem cell to be born,” said Jerome Slydell of the Rand Research Institute, “today’s conservatives favor death. They overwhelmingly support the death penalty, either handed out by a court or by other means, such as death by war, death preferred to government provided health care, death to political enemies, preferring workers die on the job due to unsafe working conditions rather than have government safety regulations. The list goes on. Kevorkian is the natural choice.”

They wanted to continue the winning combination of the current administration,” said Carl Adamson of the Heritage Foundation. “McCain is a charming nitwit just like Bush and now Dr. Kevorkian, well, anything to do with death is just like Cheney.” Michael Peltis of the Washington Post agrees, “Cheney symbolizes a tough guy driving around in a humvee leaving dead bodies in his wake, while Dr. Kevorkian does the same thing with a van. The advantage here for McCain is that he can show he wants to conserve energy, as the van gets better gas mileage than the Hummer.” Political pundits also believe Kevorkian is a wise choice that will help move the doctor’s home state of Michigan into the McCain camp.

“Another reason John likes Dr. Kevorkian, who recently got out of jail for his part in an assisted suicide,” a McCain spokesperson said, “is that John can relate to anyone who was held as a prisoner. In any case, we now think this ticket is strong enough to scare the Democrats to death.”

see

McCain Chooses Alaska Governor Palin as Running Mate + Protecting polar bears gets in way of drilling for oil

McCain to announce VP choice by telegraph + McCain to pick Ronald Reagan as VP

Hillary releases delegates; asks Bush to release political prisoners

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 28, 2008

DENVER, Colorado –Senator Hillary Clinton released her delegates Wednesday afternoon, allowing those that had been pledged to her the freedom to vote for whomever they choose. She also took the opportunity to take a swipe at the Republicans by challenging President Bush to release political prisoners at Guantanamo.

“If I can release my delegates, and you know how hard I fought for them,” Clinton said, “then the President can certainly release detainees held in Guantanamo, those where there is little or no hard evidence they did anything wrong.” This move by Clinton it seen as a method to point out the differences on the issue of freedom between the two parties.

“Allowing her delegates to go free is a dangerous precedent for America’s national security,” said Rudy Giuliani into a megaphone as he marched on Fifth Avenue in New York wearing a shirt that read, “We will never forget 9-11’s Mayor”. Giuliani said it was a national shame that Clinton had been hoodwinked into “sympathizing with the terrorists we thankfully have locked up at Guantanamo.”

President Bush called Senator Clinton’s request to release prisoners “a shameful misusification of the war on terror for political reasons. As a popular war President I would never stupefy so low as to use fear, hatred and war to build the political capital I need to be that popular war President that I became. So we won’t grant releasification of any of those prisoners no matter how innocent they may be.” McCain responded by saying, “being the maverick that I am, I agree with everything President Bush said.”

see

Clinton Stops Roll Call, Calls To Nominate Obama + Open letter to Obama Supporters

The “Good Germans” And The Democratic Convention By Timothy V. Gatto

DNC – Denver CO

Obama makes Veep choice; McCain is bidin’ his time

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 23, 2008

PHOENIX – While Senator Joe Biden will make his first appearance today in Springfield, Illinois as Barack Obama’s running mate, the McCain camp will continue to play the waiting game regarding their Vice Presidential choice. “Let those name calling Commie Democrat traitors have their day,” McCain told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “but soon they will be shaking like brie eating Frenchmen waving white flags when they see who I’m going to pick.”

In contention for the GOP choice is former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, General David Petraeus, and the dark horse, Ron Paul. “I don’t thinkicate that McCain will pick that RuPaul, in fact I know he won’t pick that RuPaul” said President Bush, “but wait until the surprise secret gets out that we’ve been protecticating so well and it’s too bad I can’t tell you that secret is that in the Veep spot will be none other than my brother Jeb. The American people must understand that we will get Florida for sure without having to cheat fair and square this time.”

“Now that Obama has chosen a well respected senator with impeccable foreign policy experience,” said Gerald Steetor, a top Washington pundit, “speculation is that McCain will counter with an equally impressive choice which I believe will be the person Dick Cheney tells him to pick.” A McCain spokesman said that the Arizona Senator will not be making any announcement until he completes an accurate count of the houses he owns.

“It’s a misplaced emphasis to count on who the running mate will be to secure a win in November,” said Karl Rove, “you need to count on who is counting the votes in November to secure that victory.”

see

McCain to announce VP choice by telegraph + McCain to pick Ronald Reagan as VP

McCain to announce VP choice by telegraph + McCain to pick Ronald Reagan as VP

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 22, 2008

PHOENIX – In a Presidential race full of surprises and traditional rule breaking, Senator John McCain will forgo the traditional staged event for the announcement of his Vice Presidential candidate and make the announcement via the telegraph. “We think this is a direct slap in the face to Obama, who is not telegraph savvy,” said Rick Davis, McCain Campaign manager. “Obama is too out of touch with the American people, especially the youngsters who are quite hep to the telegraph,” Davis said.

“My friends,” McCain said, “there is going to be quite a surge of excited Americans at the telegraph offices when I make my historic announcement. It sure beats telling everyone who their next Vice President will be by sending the announcement by Pony Express or driving around town in a Maverick or Pinto throwing flyers on doorsteps.”

“Speculation is running high that as soon as Dick Cheney tells McCain who his running mate will be, that telegraph keys will be clacking all over the country,” a McCain aid said. “This bold move into new advanced technology should dispel any notion that I am old and behind the times,” said McCain dressed in a tye-dyed shirt, Nehru jacket and wide elephant bell pants, an outfit McCain claims is a move to connect himself with today’s youth trends.

***

McCain to pick Ronald Reagan as VP

Satire

by R J Shulman

Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 22, 2008

PHOENIX – Bucking all of the predictions regarding his choice of a running mate, Senator John McCain will choose Ronald Reagan to run as his Vice President, the Post Times Sun Dispatch learned today. “This is a brilliant move,” said Charles Scniender, a strategist for the Republican Party, “as it will bring all the conservatives and Reagan Democrats to the polls to vote for McCain.”

“The choice of Reagan is also a positive for McCain because he will look young and vigorous compared to Reagan and he will look more attentive,” Schnieder said.

“I couldn’t have suggested a better choice,” said Dick Cheney, “except for me, of course.”

Democratic political strategist James Carville said, “I can’t believe what those Republicans will dig up to win this election.” Barack Obama said he had no comment as he would like to keep the tone of the campaign above board and above ground.

“There is nothing in the Constitution that says you have to be alive to be the Vice President,” said Alan Dershowitz, Harvard Law Professor, ” I guess our founding fathers didn’t think future generations would be so unscrupulous and so dumb.”

“I don’t think it’s bad to choosicate a Vice President without a pulse,” President Bush said, “after all, I have a Vice President without a heart.”

Will there be enough oil until the rapture?

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 19, 2008

WASHINGTON – A recent survey of political pundits and news reporters agree that the most important issue that will decide the Presidential election is whether the planet will run out of oil before the rapture. The world’s top scientists have indicated that they should complete their study before the election. “If the experts agree that there is enough oil supply to last until the all important day, then McCain will benefit from his drill anywhere anytime stance while Obama’s limited drilling will make him look like a scaredy cat who wasted an opportunity to get the much needed energy supply,” said Brian Williams of NBC. “Of course, if the projection is that we will run out before the big day, people will vote for Obama and his comprehensive energy plan that involves alternate energy sources.”

“I’ll trust them scientists, as long as they’s predicting about how much oil we got left,” said Floyd Rollins, an undecided voter from Hershey, Pennsylvania, “and they’s not trying to predict when the rapture will happen.” McCain has stated that he believes the rapture won’t come for at least one hundred years, “until we finish what we came to do in Iraq. And I have not lost faith there will be enough oil as God helps those who drill themselves,” McCain said.

“Early indications are that there is enough oil to last until Judgment Day,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “we just have to find which countries God placed our oil under, make regime changes if necessary and drill like there’s no tomorrow.” “Those terrorist loving America haters who want to ban oil drilling should listen to Condoleeza,” said Dick Cheney, “after all, she got an oil tanker named after her and those traitors don’t.”

The survey of pundits and newsmen showed that the oil until the rapture issue had overtaken the previous most important concern of Americans which was to know exactly when Michelle Obama stopped hating America. The survey, conducted by Newscorp had a margin of error of 100%.

see

Letter to the future president #147

Ashley Sanders: The Dem Party is the Party of Perpetual Plan B

If Rice Peace Talks Fail, Bush To Send Troops To Georgia Via Iran (satire)

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 15, 2008

WASHINGTON – President Bush stepped up his pressure for Russia to cease all hostility toward the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. “I am prepared to lead a mission accomplished against you if you do not cease firing with a cease fire,” Bush told Russian leaders. Bush has sent Condoleezza Rice, John Bolton and Eric Pomoroy, better known in wrestling circles as the Mad Russian to broker a peace between Russia and Georgia.

“If I can’t kick those idiot Commie asses into a peaceful solution,” Bolton said, “we will have no choice but to send our troops to blow up some Ruskie booty.” The Bush Administration has indicated that it has troops ready to invade Georgia after they travel through Iran to get there. “The idea of going to Georgia through Iran has a two fold purpose,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “it saves fuel to go on a more direct route, and we can also look for those weapons of mass destruction we know Iran has.”

The original cease fire, brokered by the French does not seem to be holding. “Them French are so good at surrendering you’d of thought all that peace and appeasement they were talking about would have worked,” Bush said yesterday, “but listen to me, you Frenchies, if we want Brie we’ll call you, otherwise, butt out.”

Barack Obama said he was against any American military action in the dispute. John McCain said that he was ready to lead the troops into battle no matter how much the boarder had changed since the last time he looked at the map of the Soviet Union. Besides,” McCain said, “Randy will know what to do in that region.” McCain was referring to Randy Scheunemann, his top foreign policy advisor who is also the top Washington lobbyist for the Republic of Georgia. When asked if his advisor had a conflict of interest, McCain said, “you should know it’s good for America to be interested in conflicts.”

Bush tells Russia not to illegally invade and occupy sovereign nation

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 13, 2008

WASHINGTON – President Bush admonished Russian leaders today when he called on them to stop their attack on Georgia. “The world does not supporticate your unlawfully illegal invasion and occupation of another sovereign nation which has sovereignty,” Bush said, just back from the Olympics in Beijing, “what makes it so bad is that innocent local civilians who live there locally get killed just because you are greedy to get your blood soaked hands on their oil. You do that sort of thing and the whole world will dispizicate you and want you captured dead or alive.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice blasted the Russian government saying that they “cherry picked information that made it look like Georgia was a threat to Russia and based the whole invasion on this phony intelligence they knew to be wrong. These are war crimes and should not go unpunished.”

Vice President Dick Cheney was asked why he thought the Russians invaded Georgia. “This stems from the cold war, where the Russians hated us for our freedom,” Cheney said while inspecting the production line of a new waterboard factory in Lorrain, Ohio at the site of a former General Motors plant.

Barack Obama said he favored an immediate cease fire and for talks to begin. Kerry said that at first he was for the invasion into Georgia then he was against it. John McCain said, “I knew there was trouble from the moment the Russian troops crossed over from Czechoslovakia into South Ossetia because it was going to get the Sunnis all riled up. But if there is going to be a fight, I hope it lasts a hundred years.”

When asked by the Post Times Sun Dispatch if he thought it was ironic that he was criticizing another government for invading and occupying a sovereign nation, Bush said, “If there is any irony here, I’ll get Dick Cheney to iron the whole thing out on one of his hunting trips.”

see

The Reality Behind Western Propaganda Regarding War In Georgia

A Path to Peace in the Caucasus By Mikhail Gorbachev

The Reality Behind Western Propaganda Regarding War In Georgia

Mosaic News – 8/11/08: World News from the Middle East

Medvedev orders end to military operation + Roadmap for Georgian peace

The Caucasus —Washington Risks nuclear war by miscalculation

RNN: Who’s to blame for the Russian Georgian conflict?

Georgia

Bush Upset Over Russian Attack On Georgia: It Should Have Been Massachusetts Instead

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 10, 2008

Beijing – President Bush has denounced the Russian attack on Tskhinvali, the capital of South Ossetia. “I had told Putin after I looked him in the eye that if he was ever to attack a state is should be Massachusetts where liberals and gay marriages are ruining America,” Bush said, “but Georgia is one of my states that voted for me without recounts and that means I’ll have to get Putin, dead or alive. So, as soon as I finish cheering our Olympiods to victorious victory here in China, I’m going to have to go back to Washington and teach those Russian a lesson by invading Iran.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice agreed that an attack on Iran was appropriate as the Iranians have not denounced the Russian attack. Senator John McCain said he would support a strike on Iran and said we should fight there for a hundred years if necessary, as soon as our troops could cross over the border into Iran from Czechoslovakia.

see

War victim trapped in basement with son’s body + Georgia resumes shelling

Georgia imposes martial law as violence continues + US-Russian tensions in Caucasus erupt into war + photos

South Ossetia: The War has Begun! by Andrei Areshev

Russia-Georgia fighting escalates in South Ossetia + UN stalemated

The Real Reason Behind the Military Buildup of Ex-Soviet Republic of Georgia and Its Invasion of Russian South Ossetia

Bin Laden’s driver found guilty of being bin Laden’s driver

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 8, 2008

GUANTANAMO, Cuba – Osama bin Laden’s former driver, Salim Hamdan was found guilty of being the driver for the terrorist leader at the first US war crimes trial since the Second World War. Hamdan, a Yemeni, faces a maximum life sentence. “I just went where he told me to go,” said Hamdan through a translator, “for me it was practice to realize my life dream which was to drive a cab in New York City.”

US Department of Justice Prosecutors hailed the conviction as the first in a series of trials set for those associated with bin Laden. “Next will be bin Laden’s tailor, Shaheed Mouleh,” said US Prosecutor John Murphy. “I did nothing wrong,” Mouleh said, “All I did was adjust Osama’s ghutra an iqal [headdress] on his head and tell him his thwab [ankle length cloth] didn’t make him look fat.”

Prosecutors will also try Khalid al Mohammed, Osama’s exterminator. “I just killed some bugs in the cave with some soap,” Mohammed said. “I have no stomach or desire to kill Americans.” Mohammed said he would like to be released from Guantanamo so he could go back to the cave to have a chance to clear out the rest of the bugs. “Dawn Plus with Bleach really stops those critters cold,” Mohammed said.

Prosecutors also planned to try as a war criminal the person that was reported to be the best friend of bin Laden’s brother, Shafig, but changed their minds when they discovered that person was President George W. Bush. “You can’t guiltify someone ’cause of their associations with others, unless the person doing the association is an Arab or a Democrat,” Bush said.

see

Bush’s Gitmo Guilt + Kucinich: We did it!

Bin Laden’s driver gets 66 months

Does This Make You a Proud American? American Insouciance By Paul Craig Roberts

After his term is up, Bush will ask NFL to reinstate him as President

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 7, 2008

WASHINGTON – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned from a reliable source that sometime after President Bush leaves office in January, he will ask NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to reinstate him in the White House. “If Goodell can reinstate Brett Favre to the Green Bay Packers,” said the source, who is close to the President, “than he can surely send George back to Washington. After all, Favre commanded a few guys on steroids, while George Bush commanded a whole damn army.”

Apparently Bush is having second thoughts about retiring to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. “There is only so much brush around here to mission accomplish,” Bush said, “so I’ll have to get the commish to Favricate me back to the oval office.”

Speculation is that Washington might not welcome Bush’s return. “We think he might be traded to another country,” said Bill Cook, a political insider, “Saudi Arabia would be a good fit as that country has a repressive government that runs on oil and believes in the death penalty.”

John McCain was asked what he would do if he is the President when Bush wants to come back. McCain said he would let Cheney decide. “I’m not about to be on the wrong side of a face off with Dick,” McCain told reporters. However, Barack Obama said changing the rules to allow a reinstatement is not the kind of change he’s been talking about.

Ivins Responsible For Plame Outing And Hurricane Katrina

Satire

Robert

by R J Shulman
Dandelion Salad
featured writer
Robert’s blog post

Aug 5, 2008

Ivins Not Only Anthrax Attacker, But Outed Valarie Plame And Fired US District Attorneys

WASHINGTON – The Justice Department announced today that Bruce Ivins, who committed suicide last Friday was responsible not only for distributing the anthrax that killed five people shortly after the 9-11 attacks, but was responsible for other major misdeeds.

“We learned from his psychologist that he was a narcissistic, ex-drug addict-sociopath who blamed others for his incompetence,” said Attorney General Michael Mukasey. “I am not talking about the President of course, but about Ivins who clearly was the one who sent the anthrax through the mail even though we were sure at first it was Al Qaeda and then that Steven Hatfill guy.” Hatfill recently won a $5.8 million dollar lawsuit against the government for being falsely accused of mailing the anthrax.

“I am glad we finally caught up with the terrorist killer,” said President Bush, “although I liked it when we planned at first for Al Qaeda to be the pet scapegoat who anthraxed those people to death.”

“Case closed,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, “we would like to explain to the American people just why he targeted Senators Lahey and Daschle the only two Democrats who could have stopped the passage of the Patriot Act, but due to national security we can’t discuss it further.”

Chertoff did announce that they have proof Ivins was the source of the leak of Valerie Plame’s identity. “Karl Rove and Scooter Libby were innocent. Ivins exposed Plame’s identity,” Chertoff said. “A search of Ivins’ home revealed that he was not only responsible for the questionable firing of nine US District Attorneys, but deliberately led us into the Iraq war with lies about faulty intelligence.”

Ivins was found last Tuesday with his hands tied behind his back, a bullet in the back of the head and a suicide note that read, “I did everything that Cheney says I did, so good-bye cruel world.”

“It’s a shame that the secret details of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, the massive mortgage crisis, our failed energy policies, the total mishandling of the economy and every other possible mistake of the Bush Administration have now gone to the grave with Bruce Ivins,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch learned that Ivins was not going to the grave as originally planned. His body was immediately cremated along with the contents of his home as instructed by another note found near Ivins’ body.